The Five Stages
by MsDevin92
Summary: Denial, anger, desperation, depression, acceptance.  She repeats them all.
1. Denial

This time, I'll save her. I just need to defeat Walpurgisnacht. Mami is strong; she can help. As long as she doesn't know the truth about witches...

Mami, overwhelmed by endless familiars, disappears under half a skyscraper.

"Please, Kyuubey, save Mami's life!"

Repeat.

This time, I'll save her. We were just outmatched last time. If there's three of us, we can certainly win. Sayaka would do anything for that boy in the hospital. She could even defeat something this powerful.

Even become a witch when he doesn't return her feelings.

Kyuubey comes oozing out of the shadows. "There was nothing I could do to save Miki Sayaka. But that doesn't mean you can't."

Repeat.

This time, I'll save her. We just need to support each other. I'll show them that Kyouko really isn't that bad.

But nine times out of ten, Kyouko doesn't arrive until Mami has died. By then, it's too late to do anything but repeat.

Over and over, in the blind hopes of reaching victory. It has to be possible, but it doesn't have to be easy.

Charts, maps, documents. Breaking it down into smaller and more elaborate plans, looking for the butterfly that starts the storm. The constants she can't prevent weigh down on her shoulders. Walpurgisnacht arrives on the same day, at the same time, of every month, but it seems that there are a million different ways for it to all fall apart before then.

Every now and then, there's an irregularity, and secretly, her heart leaps. But she soon learns to dread them. They're too unpredictable, and when they fail, she's brought crashing down harder than before.

She doesn't need wild cards, though. She can do this on her own. She'll save Madoka. She just needs to try one more time...

After a while, she feels like she can't keep track of the cycles anymore. The truth is that she doesn't. All that matters is what comes at the end.

Kyuubey watches her, watching the others, and tilts his head. If he could feel it, she'd confuse him. "We certainly have a knack for running into each other, don't we? And I still don't know what your purpose is. Akemi Homura...why do you fight?"

Homura is silent. Madoka is safe, for now.

At times, she swears she can hear the sand running, but that doesn't matter.

This time, I'll save her.


	2. Anger

Mami's guard drops during battle. Repeat. Sayaka sacrifices everything for an oblivious boy. Repeat. Kyouko charges ahead into disaster. Repeat.

Homura hates them.

She hates Kyuubey, always appearing at the worst possible moment. She hates Madoka, for always throwing her life away, in spite of the last request she doesn't remember. And as she fails, over and over again, she hates herself the most. But she still has a promise to keep.

The two of them walk to the nurse's office. Homura's head is pounding; she doesn't hear Madoka's words or notice that she's walking very far ahead for someone who isn't supposed to know where the infirmary is. Madoka isn't wearing the ring yet.

"Oh, there's Mami-san! Let me introduce you to her, Homura!"

Madoka wants to be just like Mami. She's sure they'll be great friends. Homura knows she has to keep the two of them apart. Meeting Mami Tomoe is always the first step she takes towards becoming a Puella Magi.

But Mami doesn't understand. None of them ever do.

"How is it your business who Madoka talks to? You only just transferred here today. No, Madoka doesn't know what she wants to wish for yet, but that's her choice. As Puella Magi, we should be allies, Akemi-san. You're acting suspiciously. What do you have to gain from all of this?"

Homura finds her after school and tells her where witches really come from. Two days later, a witch with an affinity for teacups appears at an apartment complex. Homura dispatches it quietly and moves on.

Kyouko arrives, but they mostly ignore each other. The days left until Walpurgisnacht grow fewer and fewer. She keeps an eye on Madoka. There's silence and something like peace – at least until an irregularity occurs.

A scheduling conflict brings Sayaka to the hospital early, where her green-haired friend has been visiting their mutual crush. She makes the contract immediately upon meeting Kyuubey, as if this will change everything. She's reckless. She clashes with Kyouko. She doesn't have enough Grief Seeds. Every day, her gem turns a darker shade of blue.

Madoka is desperate to do something, as always. It would be a lie to say Homura didn't hold something of a grudge against Sayaka. Every time she becomes a Puella Magi, Madoka goes through hell, watching her friend sink into despair. And what came of the last battle with the mermaid witch is still fresh in her mind.

"You don't get it, do you, transfer-student? I can't use these things people died to make! If you're Madoka's friend, you should be with me on this. Are you scared of Kyouko? Fine. I'll fight by myself."

Don't get involved. It's none of your concern. They might as well be deaf. It's infuriating. Why can't they let her save Madoka?

Sayaka transforms not long after. Kyouko goes into her barrier and doesn't come out. Madoka is silent until Walpurgisnacht arrives.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a familiar grinning unevenly. Is it just her imagination, or does the one to its right have a musket? The doubt is smacked out of her when a spear handle jams into her gut. The three of them whirl around her, interfering with her aim. On her own, she doesn't have enough firepower or time. The witch is looming over her, gears clicking into place. It turns upright.

Her vision blurs with technicolor flames.

Repeat.


	3. Desperation

"Madoka, we're going."

She reaches out and grabs her by the hand. Broken free from the rest of frozen time, Madoka gasps and looks around. It takes a few seconds for her to catch up.

"...What? Homura, I thought you were going to fight the witch!"

"I can't. It's impossible to defeat."

"How do you know? Nothing's impossible!" Madoka tries to pull free, but Homura holds fast.

"Listen to me. If I go up against Walpurgisnacht, I will fail. Our only hope is to take shelter until the witch has passed through this city."

"B...But..." The rest of the evacuation center is washed-out and gray. Madoka's family are like statues. She stares helplessly at her baby brother's face. "My family is here! They'll be hurt, o-or..."

It's silent, save for the sands trickling away.

Madoka imploringly pulls on her arm. "Everyone you touch can move normally, right? We can save the whole town! I'll hold my mother's hand, and she'll hold my father's hand, and he'll carry my brother, and-"

"That isn't possible." They've tried before, even if Madoka doesn't remember. "I have to save _you_. Hurry."

She heads for the door, but Madoka fights every step. "No! Why me? Why am I so much more important? Homura, stop! I won't leave my family!"

Because you have more power than you know.

Because you were nice to me.

Because I...

The smack catches her off-guard. Madoka is trying to make her let go. "How can you be so cruel? Everyone here deserves to live! If you want to go, fine, but I'm staying with them. Until the end!"

Homura draws her gun. "No. You're coming with me."

Madoka stares down the barrel. Whatever Homura expects her to do, smiling isn't it. "You won't use that on me."

"How do you know? I'm cruel."

"Because even if you say those horrible things...even if you threaten to abandon these people..." Madoka steps forward and hugs her. "I know you mean well at heart. So I'm not mad at you."

Her hands begin to shake. She drops the gun. It clatters to the floor, empty. "Why...?"

"We're friends. But please try to understand. You have to let me go."

She does. Madoka becomes still again.

What have I done?

I hurt her. I threatened her. And I still couldn't save her. This was my last resort, and it failed. I don't know where to go from here. I can't help Madoka, no matter what I do.

I should just...

She runs out into the storm.


	4. Depression

It's getting closer.

Homura just stands there, watching the shadow swallow up everything in its path. Uprooted trees and debris fly overhead. Buildings disappear. It's getting closer...

"So, you're really going to do it." Kyuubey watches her, perched where the rising water can't touch him. "Humans never were creatures of logic, I suppose. You could barely make a scratch on Walpurgis; how can you hope to defeat the witch who took her place?"

"...I don't."

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kyuubey fade from view just before it hits. Suddenly, she's weightless, being sucked towards the outstretched arms of Kriemhild Gretchen at breakneck speeds.

Madoka, I'm sorry. I couldn't keep our promise. But I'm coming now. Let's be together this time.

The barrier opens up before her, and Homura practically feels her heart stop.

"Is...is this...?"

The sky is streaked with rainbows, and the ground is made of fluffy clouds, but it's unmistakably Mitakihara. She's standing before Madoka's house, which gives off an almost blinding gleam in the sun.

It's empty. So is the school. So is the mall. So is the arcade. Even though she saw the bodies of others rising into the witch's embrace, there's no people. No familiars. No witch.

Madoka, where are you? Please, don't leave me alone. I can't do it anymore. I've watched everyone die so many times. You keep slipping through my fingers. It hurts. I'm scared. You don't recognize me when we meet. We can be together here, right?

There's no answer. And that's when she realizes.

She made her wish for Madoka, for one person. That's why she wouldn't have minded staying in this barrier. She didn't need anybody else.

But Madoka needs everybody else. Her family, her teachers, her friends – even the people she passes on the sidewalk during the day. That's why this world, this 'heaven' born from her grief, has none of them in it. Madoka needs Homura to make sure it doesn't happen.

Homura readies her shield.

I'm sorry. That was stupid of me. I'll go back again. I'll help you escape. Because you don't deserve a world as empty and sad as this.

As everything disappears into the white whirl of time, she hears, very faintly: _Thank you_.


End file.
